Idol Chatter: Lesson Learned

Jaded Insider didn't see the San Antonio "American Idol" auditions due to a VCR remote that recently was stepped on by a drunken houseguest ran out of batteries, but we're pretty sure the only thing we missed was the preview of last night's episode, which, contrary to what we thought Mr. Seacrest announced last week, was the obligatory "best of the rest" episode and not the Hollywood round.

So, to our dismay, we got six "lessons in auditioning," which taught us the dos and don'ts on how to survive the first round. Here is what J.I. took away:

Lesson 1: The look
- Don't don a ridiculous costume from your grandmother's closet and expect no ridicule from the judges/America at large.
- Do vote for the lip ring girl if she makes it to the top 12. We beg thee.

Lesson 2: Seek inspiration
- Don't idolize Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera or anyone with an impossibly better voice than you.
- Do admire William Hung.

Lesson 3: Never give up
Oh, who are we kidding. We see no shame in throwing in the towel.

Lesson 4: Never audition on your own
- Don't ever dress as a roller skate/tutu-clad Frisco girl.
- Do bring along friends who are far less talented and/or wear too much makeup.

Lesson 5: Shake your moneymaker
- Don't enter a singing competition if you're a dancer. Duh.
- Do claim you learned your moves from Paula. You'll at least walk away with a hug.

Lesson 6: Clarity
- Don't muddle up your lyrics if you want to be publicly humiliated on national television.
- Do muddle up your lyrics if you want to be publicly humiliated on national television.

And there you have it. Hollywood, here we come.