Laser Guided By God

MICHAEL JACKSON WANTS TO SHOOT FRICKIN' LASERS OUT OF HIS EYES. Yes, Jermaine Jackson's brother Michael is reported to be planning a 50-foot robot version of himself to accompany a propsed Vegas stage show, according to published reports.

Jackson, who's planning a comeback that will fail like nothing you have ever seen, is said to be assembling a Vegas show in the vein of Celine Dion or Prince, neither of whom have dangled their babies off of anything. If built, the robot behemoth would be visible to incoming aircraft as it roamed the desert shooting lasers out of its eyes. No, really. Google it.

"Michael's looked at the sketches and likes them," said Luckman Van Pier, partner of robot designer Andre Van Pier, adding that Jackson also once liked the plans for "Invincible." The report goes on to say that the robot would eventually become self-aware and rampage through Tokyo on its way to a final showdown with Gamera. Jackson's last album sold 38 copies to people in Dubai.