Idol Chatter: Shock'N'Yall

OK, Seacrest. "Biggest shock ever," our fannies. BEFORE America voted, mind you, you warned us that we'd be seeing the most astonishing "Idol" in history. Yet, you started out last night's episode by admitting that the big shocker was actually the results. Hold the phone here -- how can you predict the outcome before the votes are even cast? Boy, way to screw that one up.

So within the first five minutes we already knew how last night would end: Either no one was going home, or Sanjaya would be bumped back into the competition for further comedic relief/media fodder. Thankfully, the former played out.

But aside from Seacrest's misstep, we'll give the "Idol" folks kudos on a quality charity special. Not only did the guilt trip-inducing footage of poverty-stricken children leave us on the verge of tears, there were quite a few downright funny moments to boot (J.I.'s top pick: Rob Schneider saying, "Hi, I'm Adam Sandler").

In addition to Seacrest, who held down the fort on the "Idol" set, our fave talk show host Ellen DeGeneres hosted a live telecast from the Walt Disney Concert Hall in L.A. Earth, Wind & Fire, undoubtedly showing their age, started off the night's performances with a medley of songs including "Boogie Wonderland," "Shining Star" and "September."

The contestants' first group performance was the Quincy Jones-conducted new song "Time to Care," which, though we're sure they sang in earnest, was really really slow and, well, boring.

Eric McCormack made us chuckle by saying something like "If every person who voted for Sanjaya donated just one dollar," as did Jack Black with his "Kiss From a Rose" skit, which included a rose-sniffing Kyle Gass seated in the audience as well as an actual Seal cameo.

Although we realize celebrities often mean well, the "Stayin' Alive" bit was just plain tacky. And, uh, were we on glue or was that seriously Kelly Clarkson covering Patti Griffin with friggin' Jeff Beck of all people? Fortunately, the duet that followed between Celine Dion and the, um, ghost of Elvis quickly confirmed our suspicion that yes, in fact, we were on glue.

Even Madonna, surrounded by a group of who we assume to be her latest 20 adoptees, made a plea for donations, and maybe we zoned out, but there were no Sacha Baron Cohen, Pink or Gwen Stefani appearances as was promised.

Bono may not have materialized in the flesh tonight, but the footage of his interaction with the contestants did. And it was totally lame. What is wrong with you people! This is Bono we're talking about here! Shame on you for showing more enthusiasm upon meeting Peter Noone.

The group performed the Bono and Dave Stewart-penned "American Prayer" after Seacrest revealed the oh-so-outrageous results. Poor Jordin, who thought she was getting sent home, was all choked up as she started singing, but the gang pulled it off much smoother than the aforementioned Quincy affair.

Good, bad or ugly, we realize this week's "Idol" was for a good cause. We also acknowledge that we are terrible people for not donating any money. But that's neither here nor there.